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STATEMENT LEFT · MARGIN NOTES RIGHT · IN SJ'S OWN WORDS

The story of ________, a ruler draped in gold, whose pilgrimage would weave chaos into Egypt's economy was what sparked my curiosity into the interplay between history, society, and economy. As he generously scattered his wealth in all of Cairo, his actions ultimately caused the value of gold to crumble, illustrating the paradox of plenty.

Analysing this, I realised that it is the absence in societal structures — as much as the abundance — that moulds the world.

________'s economic disruptional so highlighted political dynamics of wealth and authority.

The philosophical questions raised by his actions also emphasized the ethical responsibilities of the people holding power in shaping equitable societies.

To discern between correlation and causation, I found that my intellectual curiosity ventures into the realms of politics, philosophy, and economics (PPE).

Delving into relevant literature ________ by ________, I was particularly drawn to ________'s "________," which introduced me to the concept of "veil of ignorance" and principle of benefiting the least advantaged, which led me to question how these theories apply in diverse global contexts like United Nations' attempt for socially just laws, globally.

However, ________'s abstract theory fails in societies like those I was brought up in — rigid with ethno-religious and class distinctions — where justice is more complex than pure impartiality.

This exploration prompted me to engage with other philosophical perspectives, like utilitarianism.

With a mind which thrived on analysis of complex mathematical problems through my study of mechanics, algorithms, and quantitative economics, my experiences cultivated a precision and clarity about different philosophical issues.

As the founder of ________, an NGO focused on bonded labour, I was motivated to eliminate inequality and unfairness that persists in our society.

Fieldwork like working towards labor laws and conducting interviews with brick kiln workers for my research paper exposed me to the harsh realities of exploitation and social injustice.

This developed me as a researcher and assisted me to overcome preconceptions and navigate complex ethical situations — a skill vital in philosophical discourse.

Moreover, it introduced me to the challenges of implementing social policies, bridging the gap between theoretical knowledge and real-world application.

My journey of empowering others led me to '________': an initiative where I led a team of talented but underprivileged teenagers as I taught them the intricacies of debate, critical thinking, and self-confidence.

Using the Socratic method "elenchus," I enabled students to think from different perspectives and reach conclusions. This experience honed my leadership skills and strengthened my belief in the transformative power of education. I wanted to inspire young minds to develop a will to change the world by discovering their own voices, much like ________'s poetry, '________,' helped me find mine.

My love for reading and writing poetry has shaped my way of thinking, allowing me to view the world through layers of meaning and question the structures that define our society.

Additionally, coming 3rd in ________, bagging a Gold in ________, and earning a Higher Distinction at ________ — where I analysed research papers and quantitative data, found trends, and wrote essays — boosted my confidence as I applied my abilities, like regression analysis, and intellect to the test.

The UK, with its global relevance and historical importance, serves as the perfect stage for my higher education endeavours.

The multifaceted and interdisciplinary nature of the PPE course is what ultimately draws me to explore how to nurture a comprehensive perspective which will be essential for addressing justice, equality, and social progress in our interconnected world.

This takes a while to get to the point; also it would make more sense if you put all the sections about ________ together. It's unnatural to read a story about a rich ruler and immediately think "history, society, economics" is interconnected — not very organic.

Where is this analysis meant to have happened? There is nothing to analyse here — the value of gold crumbled? Your conclusion comes out of nowhere: you didn't explain or bring any of this up before, so you cannot claim it as a conclusion now. What is a societal structure?

This is meaningless because again you have not set the scene for where you got this insight from — your content and conclusions are totally separate from each other. And "disruptional" doesn't make sense → economic chaos? breakdown of the economy?

This is just an add-on/filler — you haven't mentioned any philosophical questions, so am I supposed to guess what questions were raised? You can't squeeze in a summary again without substantiating with evidence and logic.

This needs much more context. It comes out of nowhere and is saying nothing. You must at least mention: "Reading x / studying a MOOC, I came across a case-study which found ____ was heavily correlated with ____, which surprised me as they share no meaningful ____; I found a third variable ____ … I found it vital to know the difference between correlation and causation when studying PPE."

What is "relevant literature"? If you are relating to cause/correlation you haven't mentioned it again, so not right; if you mean something else, it doesn't make sense. And do you mean "the UN attempts to create socially just laws that can be applied globally"? If so — you realise the UN is not a legal body? They cannot create global laws.

You haven't first explained how ________'s theory can be applied in "diverse global contexts" — so you can't then say "However, it fails." Either give more examples and compare, or re-write.

Why name-drop this if you're not going to say anything meaningful?

How is precision/clarity related to philosophical ideas — and you must tell me what these "philosophical ideas" are; you must give proof that you know and understand. I need to see examples of the complex mathematical problems as well: there are many easy mechanics, algorithms and QE — it's not automatically complex or interesting. You must give actual detail.

This claim is too bold — how are you going to "eliminate"? Re-write this to be a little more reasonable.

"Working towards labor laws" doesn't make sense — do you mean working to improve labour laws? In which case, tell me what they were like and what you were hoping to accomplish in a little more detail, and give an example of what exploitation was going on.

This is filler, but fine.

Again filler — adds no value, but doesn't take any away either. Keep if you want.

Why would you be teaching the teenagers? What's your background? Give more context — and I would tone down the language about teaching them the "intricacies of debate": it makes you seem like a self-proclaimed expert. The tutors will either question and test you on that, or they won't believe it and find it annoying.

This is not a very academic section. It might be better if you focused on one of the debates and the arguments that you gave — that gives you a chance to work through logic and reasoning, which is a better skill to display.

Filler — meaningless, adds nothing.

If anything, the activities here sound much more interesting than your previous sections. Can you use the research paper as one section? The regression analysis — what was this? By itself it's simple; it all depends on what you were researching. This section would be worthy of expanding, if anything!

Pointless.

You haven't explained what PPE is enough for you to make this conclusion at the end — it just sounds like you got the definition off somewhere. It needs to be more personal.